Where am I going?

In the very tumultuous time that is 2020, with a pandemic, navigating remote hardware work, stark cultural and political divides, and raging wildfires in California, my mind is running at a mile a minute in 20 different directions but my physical body isn’t moving at all. Really. I got 37 total steps in yesterday. All this lack of physical movement has really caused me to reflect and do some introspection.

Today is my 3 year Owliversary at Samsara. I’ve gained tenure on the hardware team and now feel both pride and embarrassment when I explain to new colleagues about the scrappy and undocumented, shoot-from-the-hip-but-make-it-strategic processes we had in the earlier days. (Or worse, having to explain why we still have these same processes now, since we didn’t have dedicated resources to make them better). By the way! All these thoughts are my own…

It’s often hard to see where you’re going or what growth is possible until you turn around and look at all you’ve done. But why turn around, when it takes up time that could be used moving forwards? When I try and think about how I was feeling all the moments leading up to my first year at the company, the best word to summarize it would be: impatient. I was, and am, an impatient person when it comes to personal growth and progress. I thought I’d be a technical guru by now, and I still have a pipe dream of retiring at 40 years old. But it’s not like these dreams and goals are unattainable - they just require mapping out and planning. It’s just so hard to plan out what seems like is an unpaved road. I have no mechanical engineering role models aside from my mentors and the bright people I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with, but I also don’t even know what I want to be doing.

Within the last year, a lot has changed for me in my personal life. I went to therapy for the first time, did my first solo road trip across the state, began intermittent fasting, baked real loaves of bread, started handpoke tattooing, and bought my first car.

At work, at my career, though, I feel like I have grown but in ways I can’t really quantify in fun big moments. The closest comparisons would be the products I launched or the people I helped onboard. From conception to product launch can take a year or more in hardware, and by the end of the year I just feel pooped. That’s not really a moment. That’s just the end of a marathon, at which point you might have crapped your pants as you crumble onto the ground and your ankles feel broken and you’re nauseous and hope your friends wrap you up in those foil blanket things so you can survive long enough to take a smiling photo with a medal. Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered may happen to you when completing a marathon - I do not run for this exact reason. I’m tired and sore imagining it, frankly.

And I’m tired of feeling like I constantly need to show up and go above and beyond just to be seen as ordinary. During my first few months, I didn’t look at my phone or go on any social media during work - I didn’t want anything that could make it look like I was slacking off or not taking my job seriously. So many of my other female colleagues would also go way overboard and burn themselves out to make sure they were always on top of their shit. Since then, I’ve definitely toned it down, and there are some days I just “cannot even.” I am burnt out. The Women of Samsara book club summer read for 2020 is Brotopia, by Emily Chang. I’m about 2/3 done and everything I’ve read has brought me - disbelief, anger, sadness, frustration, and confusion. I think about all the times I’ve been talked over at a meeting (or worse, not even invited to the meeting in the first place), all the times I’ve had to sit through locker room talk during a group hang. It’s annoying to feel that sometimes the only options are to “be one of the boys” or just not participate.

It’s hard being a woman in tech. Of the small handful of women I talk to at work, a few got laid off and a few left to pursue other opportunities. Women are more than twice as likely as men to leave their tech jobs, despite being highly qualified for their jobs. And even though companies are aware that diversity leads to more success, companies aren’t people. Companies are made up of individual people that interact with each other. I’ve been asked whether I was a receptionist because I was carrying a cardboard box between offices. I’ve been told “I’m SO glad you’re not a white dude!” These interactions were with people that I ended up really enjoying working with, and while there was nothing wrong with anything they said, there’s gender bias and stereotyping behind the comments that these people weren’t even aware of. The microaggressions add up and definitely do not help with building the confidence that every woman strives to have to become a boss bitch.

When I was younger, I let myself hide under the fact that I was a new grad to excuse my shyness and lack of confidence. Now that I’ve been out of school for 5 years, it’s really not acceptable anymore. And though I don’t have any senior level women as my career mentors right now, it feels like it’s also a good time to be my own champion.

But we all have a lot more work to do. Mandatory inclusion and anti-harrassment trainings won’t solve Silicon Valley. I’m not sure what will, to be honest. (Maybe I will when I’m done reading Brotopia?)

While I say these things and sound whiny, I really am so lucky to be at Samsara. I got in relatively early and settled in with a wonderful team. The company culture radiates from the founders and I feel fortunate that our leadership has vision, transparency, and humility. I know no company is perfect, but I know I’m at a good one.

So where am I going? It’s hard to tell. I’m so grateful for all that I’ve been given and all that I’ve been able to do, but I feel so preoccupied with how much there is still to do. Thanks to 2020 training me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, here’s to seeing where year 4 takes me (besides fully vesting, yay!)

-j

PS - I swear I’m not always so much of a downer. 2020 sucks, man.